Why Am I the Black Sheep of the Family and How Can I Cope

Have you ever felt like you don’t belong in your family? Maybe you don’t have anything in common with them, or you feel like you can’t relate to them. Maybe you’ve been rejected by your family. Maybe your family doesn’t accept you for who you are.

This is sometimes called being the “black sheep” of the family, which is a phrase you’ve probably heard before. It draws the image of a lone black sheep in a herd of typical white sheep – the one that’s different or an outlier in some way.

Some people use this phrase jokingly. For example, you might say you’re the black sheep because everyone in your family but you has red hair. But truly being outcast by your family is no joke. This type of familial rejection can damage your self esteem and lead to mental health effects.

So what does it mean to be the black sleep, and what can you do if you find yourself in this situation?

How do people become the black sheep of the family?

There are a wide range of reasons why someone might become the black sheep of their family, but it almost always has to do with some significant difference between them and the rest of their family members. In other words, they stand out in a way the family can’t accept.

Being the “black sheep” also comes on a spectrum. Some people might feel like they don’t quite fit in with their family but continue to have a generally positive relationship with them. Others might be completely rejected, ostracized, or even cut off by their families. Any level of familial rejection can lead to emotional effects.

It’s important to remember that being the black sheep of your family may not have anything to do with you and your behaviors. Being the black sheep does not mean anything is wrong with you.

Some of the most common reasons people feel like the black sheep of their family include:

• Differences in overall values
• Differences in religious belief
• Differences in political affiliation
• Physical differences (like race, hair color, or having tattoos)
• Differences in occupation (or having a job that is rejected by your family members)
• Choice in life partner being rejected by your family
• Familial abandonment and rejection due to your identity (such as being part of the LGBTQ+ community)
• Having a mental health condition or substance use disorder
• Differences in financial status

In addition, some people may be rejected by their families (and, in many ways, forced to be the “black sheep”) while others may choose to create distance with their families due to significant differences.

For example, someone who chooses to leave the family religion could be ostracized by their family members. Others could simply feel like they don’t quite “fit in” with their family because of value or lifestyle differences. You might see this with someone who left their small rural village to study at a university in a big city.

Living with mental health struggles could also lead to rejection from your family. This could be real rejection – your family telling you that you may not attend family events until you recover from substance use disorder. But it could also be perceived rejection – living with depression could cause you to have thoughts that no one understands you or you’re not worthy of anyone’s love.

It’s important to note that some people become the family scapegoat from the time they are young children, thus being “black sheeped” not due to any differences but simply due to family dynamics.

Scapegoating frequently happens in dysfunctional family systems, like families that are affected by addiction^[1]. In these families, all adults play a role in the dysfunction; one parent may struggle with addiction while the other might be codependent.

But in these dysfunctional families, one person is often used as the scapegoat, or blamed for all family problems. For example, a child could be blamed for “stressing the parents out” and causing them to use drugs and alcohol.

How being the black sheep can affect you

No matter why you are (or feel you are) the black sheep of your family, the effects can be incredibly painful.

The relationships you have with your family members, particularly your caretakers, dictate the attachment style you develop. An unhealthy attachment style (which can be caused by being rejected by important family members) can lead you to have poor mental health and troubled relationship patterns as an adult.

Being rejected by your family can also be a form of childhood trauma. Like any type of childhood trauma, it could lead to mental health challenges as an adult.