“Boundaries are a prerequisite for compassion and empathy. We can’t connect with someone unless we’re clear about where we end and they begin. If there’s no autonomy between people, then there’s no compassion or empathy, just enmeshment.”
— Brené Brown, Atlas of the Heart
Dr. Jantz Discusses Boundaries
6 minutesWhat is enmeshment?
The concept of enmeshment was introduced in 1974 by an Argentinian family therapist named Salvador Minuchin (1921–2017) as a way to describe a particular type of dysfunction within family relationships. Enmeshment is most easily understood as families that are emotionally stuck together in various ways.
For example, enmeshment might be used to describe a family in which personal boundaries are diffused, overstepped, or absent. Or one in which individuals are “undifferentiated,” meaning they conform to the thoughts and ideas of others or rigidly try to force their views on others.
Enmeshed family members may also lose their sense of autonomy as they have been taught to focus on the emotions of other members of the family. In this dynamic, expressing empathy is disproportionally the work of one person. This leads to the flow of empathy becoming lopsided, or even reversed[1].
Children brought up in enmeshed families might find themselves overly involved in their parent’s needs, which can lead to them becoming the emotional parent or spouse to their parent(s).
Similarly, children from enmeshed families are not encouraged to have their own thoughts, feelings and beliefs, instead taking on those of the family, wholesale. They lose their distinctness. In this type of toxic enmeshment, children may only know their parent’s thoughts, feelings, and beliefs, which then outweigh and eclipse their own[2]. This is sometimes described as “psychic incest.”
Within adult to adult intimate relationships, enmeshment refers to unhealthy, codependent relationships that are notable for being out of balance, with much of the emotional work falling to one person.
Recommended Reading Triangulation in RelationshipsWhy do some families and relationships become enmeshed?
Enmeshment was a term that grew out of a type of therapy called Family Systems, which was developed by Dr Murray Bowen. Dr Bowen theorized that the emotional part of the human brain evolved as a way to manage the interpersonal relationships that were – and are – crucial to survival.
Within an enmeshed family, children are raised to be overly dependent on the family. This can mean some individuals take on all the emotional load for the whole family while others end up relinquishing personal responsibility. Either way, the family is out of balance, and the impact on the whole family is felt, albeit in different ways.
Recommended Reading Is your family toxic?What is the impact of enmeshment?
Families with members who are comfortable in their differences have a well developed sense of self, whereas those who conform to the thoughts and ideas of others or who rigidly try to force their views on others have a poorly differentiated self.
People with a poorly differentiated “self” depend so heavily on the acceptance and approval of others that they either quickly adjust what they think, say, and do to please others or they dogmatically proclaim what others should be like and pressure them to conform.
Within the family, this is not seen as dysfunctional. However, when children of enmeshed families grow up and lead lives and relationships of their own, their enmeshed traits can surface.
One study researched the impact of enmeshment on mental health and discovered that boys who experienced enmeshed family patterns more often developed symptoms of ADHD. Girls who experienced enmeshed family interactions however later showed symptoms of depression[3].
Recommended Reading Are your siblings toxic?How do you know if your relationship is enmeshed?
While everyone is different and will respond to experiences of enmeshment in unique ways, the following list offers some of the indicators that commonly arise in enmeshed relationships:
- You need an excessive amount of love, support, and reassurance from your partner
- If your partner does not respond to your needs or requests immediately, you feel strong and/or negative feelings such as anger, jealousy, or insecurity
- You find it intolerable when your partner is away or absent
- You spend as much time as possible together, with others describing your relationship as ‘joined at the hip’
- You may find yourself projecting negative aspects of one or other parent onto your partner
- You put your partner “on a pedestal,” believing that they are more intelligent, capable, or worthy than you
- You don’t expect emotional closeness from your partner or anyone else you’re in a relationship with
- You don’t react when your partner is absent or unavailable, or you respond in ways that you recognise from childhood
You may notice that some of the above indicators seem to contradict each other. That’s because the impact of enmeshment can surface in different ways for different people.
If you do recognize some of these within your own relationship, it could mean that there is enmeshment. Working with a therapist, either individually or in couples therapy, can help you to determine what is happening within your own relationship, and can help you to work towards healthy individuality.
Likewise, being in a healthy, un-enmeshed relationship can be a very healing experience for those who come from an enmeshed family. One of the characteristics of functional, healthy relationships is having good boundaries.
