How Do You Deal with Someone Who Blames You for Their Mistakes

From time to time, we all find ourselves in relationships with other people that ‘don’t quite feel right.’ It could be a friendship, a romantic relationship, or even a dynamic within our family with a parent, sibling, child, or a member of your wider family or community network.

Realizing you are being blamed for someone else’s mistakes, choices, or decisions can lead you to ask questions about what they are doing, why they are doing it, and how to deal with it.

Let’s look at each of these in turn.

Why do people blame others for their own mistakes?

Getting to the heart of this issue is key. There may be many reasons why people blame others for the mistakes they make, but they typically come down to the same thing or a variation of the same thing. Simply put, blaming others is a defense mechanism.

What is a defense mechanism?

Defense mechanisms are a form of unconscious process used to cope with impulses, feelings, or ideas which are not acceptable at their conscious level^[1].

Developed as part of psychoanalytic theory, defense mechanisms can be thought of as psychological strategies that help people to put distance between themselves and threats or unwanted feelings, such as guilt or shame.

While we all use defense mechanisms to maintain our psychological wellbeing to some extent, protecting ourselves from anxiety or providing a refuge from a situation in which we cannot cope, their use can become problematic or maladaptive. Once this happens, a problematic or maladaptive defense mechanism can cause harm to the person and/or to those around them.

Blame as a defense mechanism

Blame as a defense mechanism typically falls under ‘projection’ – a type of defense mechanism initially defined by Sigmund Freud^[2] in 1895 and later by his daughter, Anna, in 1936.

In simple terms, projection can be described as the mental process by which people attribute to others what is in their own minds.

In other words, if what is in your own mind is too anxiety-provoking or something you cannot cope with, you project this onto someone close to you. Attributing your own self-blame outwards protects you from having to feel the anxiety of accepting your own mistakes.