How to Deal with Guilt and Regret

We all make mistakes. Most of us have been there more than once, and the feelings that come up as a result of our actions – guilt, regret – can be strong.

Feeling guilty or regretful are common emotions, both falling under the broad heading of sadness. We know we don’t feel good when we feel guilty or regretful, but is there a deeper insight we can get from these feelings? And how do we deal with guilt and regret when they arise?

In this article, we explore guilt and regret in turn before looking at how to deal with them both in six steps. Let’s dive in.

What is guilt?

If shame tells us we are bad, guilt tells us we’ve done something bad^[1]. Both emotions are in the range of feelings we experience when we fall short of our own expectations or standards.

When we feel guilt, it’s a message we have done something wrong and we must do something to make it right again, whether that’s by making an apology or a change of behavior. When we realize we have hurt another person and feel bad about it, seeking to make it right, this type of guilt is remorse^[2].

There are four main types of guilt:

1. Natural guilt. This is what you feel after you did something wrong, like letting someone down. You might feel drawn to apologize for your behavior. This type of guilt is usually temporary and fades after you’ve made things right.
2. Chronic guilt. This type of guilt typically occurs alongside chronic stress, in which you may have been exposed to stress over a long period of time. Chronic guilt has a big effect on your ability to regulate emotions and can impact relationships as well as your ability to work or function. In this sense, chronic guilt is related to burnout, and it can also occur with periods of major depression.
3. Survivor guilt. Those who survive traumatic events, particularly when others did not, may experience survivor guilt. This often surfaces feelings of remorse and sadness, as well as guilt around feeling relieved to be alive. The emotional states experienced by those with survivor guilt are often contradictory, making it harder to identify.
4. Collective guilt. While the other types of guilt affect individuals, collective guilt is felt by a group who share responsibility, usually for a scenario in which others are experiencing harm. As such, it often applies to racism or other systemic issues, which makes collective guilt inherently more difficult to resolve.

What does guilt feel like?

Guilt can be felt in the body as well as in the mind. For some, feelings of guilt are located in the stomach as a pang, feelings of nausea, or feelings of emptiness. Other physical symptoms include muscle tension, fatigue, insomnia, digestive issues, and crying.

For others, guilt affects mood, making you feel low, nervous, or anxious. Guilt can also cause strong feelings of responsibility for your actions and a desire to fix what happened. This often prompts self-criticism which can lead to feelings of low self esteem or unworthiness.

Sometimes, you may not realize you’re feeling guilt as it can manifest in unconscious ways, such as defensiveness, downplaying, lying, or negative beliefs about yourself on a deep level.

However you experience it, guilt is strong. But while the feelings you experience around guilt may be uncomfortable, they can be used productively.

What can you learn from guilt?

The discomfort of guilt is a huge clue that something we’ve done is out of alignment with our values. While it’s uncomfortable, it’s also helpful as it’s this feeling that prompts us to change and do better.

Learning from guilt might look different for different people, but the main learning is likely to be around reflection on what happened, why it happened, whether you are able to make different choices in the future (where applicable), and what you’ve discovered about yourself in the process.

What is regret? Is regret different than guilt?

Regret differs from guilt as it’s an emotion we often experience when an outcome was not what we wanted, counted on, or thought would happen. It’s closely aligned with disappointment, which is often felt when we believe the outcome was out of our control. With regret, however, we believe the outcome was caused by our own decisions or actions.

What are the most common causes of regret?

Research^[3] suggests that around 90% of regrets fall into one of the following six regret types:

1. Education
2. Career
3. Romance
4. Parenting
5. Self-improvement
6. Leisure

Dr. Brené Brown’s research into regret found that what we regret most are our failures of courage, whether it’s the courage to be kinder, to show up, to say how we feel, to set boundaries, to be good to ourselves, or to say yes to something scary. She goes on to talk about her own experiences of regret:

“Regret has taught me that living outside my values is not tenable for me. Regrets about not taking chances have made me braver. Regrets about shaming or blaming people I care about have made me more thoughtful… Sometimes the most uncomfortable learning is the most powerful.”

Dr. Brené Brown, Atlas of the Heart

Why is regret such a difficult emotion?

Regret is often accompanied by self-blame and sometimes also by guilt, and it’s particularly painful when we are not great at accepting accountability^[4]. In terms of how we experience regret, this ranges from mild discomfort to deep hurt, and it’s common to underestimate how regret can cause us to disconnect from ourselves and in our personal relationships.

Research^[5] suggests that we view our regrets differently in the short term versus over the long term. In the short term, we typically regret bad outcomes where we took action. In the long term, we more often regret the actions we didn’t take and what we didn’t do, viewing these as missed opportunities.

What can you learn from regret?

Like other painful emotions, the lessons we can learn from regret can be a powerful reminder that reflection, change, and growth are all possible and necessary.

Regret does have a silver lining. Dr. Brown’s research^[6] also found that regret emerged as a function of empathy: ‘When used constructively, it’s a call to courage and a path toward wisdom,’ she says.